Stay Strong

Stay Strong

One day at a time....

One day at a time....


Just like an addict is told to take one day at a time, so should those who are grieving.  Every day is a new day full of infinite possibilities and second chances.  I know that Will would want me to lead a happy and productive life.  He was always a positive force in my life and I still try to live up to his expectations.  

Will would have expected his father to forgive those responsible for his death.  I have forgiven.

Will would have expected his father to treat his mother with dignity and respect.  I know she misses Will so much. I truly hope that in the near future we can share memories of Will's wonderful life and laugh together.   I know Will would want his mother to be happy.  There is nothing, short of my own happiness, that I want more in life than to see her happy again.

If it sounds like I am hurting a little more today than usual it is because I am.  I miss being a father and having family.  The true story of Will's death is coming, I have begun writing it.  The truth needs to be told so that others can learn from it and not let it happen again.

I live one day a time.

How to remain positive in light of circumstances

How to remain positive in light of circumstances

- from daytondailynews.com

Psychologist Irma Johnston believes realistic positive thinking can become a habit. Here are her suggestions for remaining positive:

Reframe. Rather than labeling your situation as a disaster or tragedy, see it as a challenge, an experience, an important part of your journey.

Let your feelings come, all of them, and then move through them. Again and again.

If plan A has not worked, don’t stop; begin plan B and then plan C.

Be forgiving of yourself and others, not always scanning for flaws or imperfections.

Love yourself in spite of your shortcomings, and love others in spite of theirs.

Appreciate little things each day and do something to nourish yourself: read a poem, have a cup of good tea, listen to music, take a walk, watch a movie, sing a song, hold a child or a pet.

Ask for a helping hand when needed and be grateful for whatever is offered.

When you feel stuck emotionally, move your body: take a walk, exercise, dance, hug a loved one.

Pause and appreciate something beautiful around you.

Recall how you have made it through hard times in the past and remember your strength, capability, faith and resources.

Take one hour at a time, one day, one week and pat yourself on the back for having made it through.

Dear God.....

Dear God....

Your Feelings

Your Feelings

How many times has someone asked how you are doing and you automatically answered, "I am OK"?  We have heard that question enough that it really does become automatic.  Can we really expect our friends and family to truly support us the way that we need if we don't at least try and share what were are feeling?  Yes, there are some people that will ask that question and don't want to hear any but "I am OK".  If you don't know who they are now you will as soon as you say something different by their expression.  

Do not deny what your feeling.  It does wonders sometimes just to get stuff off your chest to someone that will listen.   If you are experiencing any of the 7 Stages of Grief, you are not OK.  There are lots of words to describe what you are feeling.  Taking a stab at putting word to your feeling might just help you grasp how far you have actually come.  Remember above all else, you are allowed to feel the way your feeling.   Expressing those feelings is good for you and you may be surprised how it will help other people support you.

Only you know what your are feeling

Only you know what your are feeling

I truly hope that I never have to experience anything close to the pain of losing a child again in my lifetime.   

No words can ever describe the overwhelming fear of never feeling whole again.  It can be paralyzing.   My faith keeps me sane; knowing without a doubt that Will is in heaven is sometimes the only thing that keeps me going.  I live for the day I die and see Will in heaven. That does not mean in anyway that I have given up on leading a fulfilling, meaningful life.  It has given me direction and something to focus my attention on.   

I have made plenty of mistakes in the 19 months since Will has died. Luckily some of those mistakes were also great opportunities for growth.   I refuse to let the worst thing that has ever happened dictate the rest of my life. Not everyone will agree with the way you handle your grief.  Grieving is such a deeply emotional and personal process that each one of us experiences it differently.  Not everyone that you expected to be there for you will be there. Your focus should be on yourself and the people you love.

Only you know what your are feeling.   Never let anyone tell you how you should be feeling. 

Staying in touch with yourself, being honest about your emotions and setting realistic goals will definitely help keep you out of the shadows.

When I told Will to look at me so I could take his photo, he thought I was going to steal his funnel cake! Can you tell by that look on his face?  The photo was taken at his one and only Atlanta Falcons game.  I am so thankful that I took lots of photos throughout his nine years.

Something to Remember

Something to Remember

- from God's Plan for You Life: Overcoming Grief

If you life has been turned upside down, you may find yourself searching for something new: a different direction, a new purpose or a fresh start.  As you make your plans, be sure to consult God because even now He is leading you toward a goal that only He can see.  Your task is to pray, to listen and to follow His lead.

- 1 Corinthians 10:31 (NKJV)

Whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.

Just missing Will

Just missing Will

I could always count on Will to put a smile on my face.  Some days are obviously harder than others and we need to keep the good memories in focus.

Sometimes.....

Sometimes.....

From Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

From Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

It is a rocky road: Part One

It is a rocky road: Part One

The road to recovery from a the loss of a child is very rocky.  It is a road filled with steep hills, potholes, backseat drivers and lots of detours.   Sometimes it feels like things are great, usually on the downside of one of those steeps hills, and then your realize you have been coasting.   Hit a pothole while coasting and you may crash.   Crashing is never good, your momentum has come to a complete stop and you may have even gotten hurt.

The lesson I have learned is to try to be aware of those moments where you first think things are great and ask myself if I am coasting.  The first time I did this I was incomplete denial.  I thought I was pushing on the gas pedal and really making progress. Honestly, I hated to prove myself right.  Please be true to yourself.  The less opportunity you have to get hurt, the better your chances are for a faster recovery.

Backseat drivers and detours are fodder for at least two other upcoming posts.

Walk a mile in my shoes

Walk a mile in my shoes


It is so easy for someone to say "You are so negative" or "It has been long enough, time to get on with your life".    They have no idea what life is like after losing a son.  Not a single clue to what it might feel like to feel what I feel.   Can I be negative? Absolutely.  I try very hard not to be negative.

Walk a mile in my shoes and see what is like before casting judgement on anything I do.

This is a bit of rant but also a reminder to those people involved in the lives of grieving people.

Empathy = To show empathy is to identify with another's feelings. It is to emotionally put yourself in the place of another. The ability to empathize is directly dependent on your ability to feel your own feelings and identify them.

Suck it up!

Sometimes you just have to suck it up and realize that you have tried your best.   Grief does crazy things to people. 

Jesus prepared his Disciples for their grief

Jesus prepared his Disciples for their grief


I found this scripture to be truly amazing. 


The Disciples’ Grief Will Turn to Joy

 Jesus went on to say, “In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me.”

At this, some of his disciples said to one another, “What does he mean by saying, ‘In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me,’ and‘Because I am going to the Father’?” They kept asking, “What does he mean by ‘a little while’? We don’t understand what he is saying.”

 Jesus saw that they wanted to ask him about this, so he said to them, “Are you asking one another what I meant when I said, ‘In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me’?  Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.  A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world.  So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.  In that day you will no longer ask me anything. Very truly I tell you, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.  Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.

“Though I have been speaking figuratively, a time is coming when I will no longer use this kind of language but will tell you plainly about my Father. In that day you will ask in my name. I am not saying that I will ask the Father on your behalf.  No, the Father himself loves you because you have loved me and have believed that I came from God.  I came from the Father and entered the world; now I am leaving the world and going back to the Father.”

Then Jesus’ disciples said, “Now you are speaking clearly and without figures of speech. Now we can see that you know all things and that you do not even need to have anyone ask you questions. This makes us believe that you came from God.”

“Do you now believe?” Jesus replied. “A time is coming and in fact has come when you will be scattered, each to your own home. You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

John 16:15-33 (NIV)

Are we really that different than the Disciples?  They didn't understand what Jesus was trying to tell them.   

How often do we question the situations that we have been placed in?  Never fully understanding the context of what is happening and why.  How often do we ask "Why God?"

A favorite quote

A favorite quote

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal." 

from a headstone in Ireland

I miss you!

I miss you!

Life will never be the same.   

Will, I miss you more than ever.

Do you ever feel naked?

Do you ever feel naked?

One of Will's favorite Bon Jovi songs came on while I was at the grocery store this morning.   

I have not mentioned in this blog, but Will was a HUGE Bon Jovi fan!  We used to take him every Tuesday to sing karaoke and he would always sing as many Bon Jovi songs as possible before bedtime.  He was growing his hair out and was actually scheduled to sing, Wanted, Dead or Alive, at his school's talent show.

The song, Living on a Prayer, came on while I was picking up dog food this morning and there I was naked in the grocery store.   At least I felt naked standing there trying to stop the tears.  I absolutely hate crying in public and feel very vulnerable when I do.  I felt totally naked standing there fully clothed.   Thankfully I was up pretty early and there were very few people in the store.

I am not scared to cry but I do hate feeling vulnerable.  

Happy Sunday!

Happy Sunday!

Jeremiah 29:11-13 (NIV)

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

A willingness to accept change

A willingness to accept change

One of the tough things that I have had to learn to deal with is change.   I really believe that in order to be able to move forward in our lives we need to be willing to accept the changes in our life.   A lot of the changes are really out of your control.   You did not choose for the loved one in your life to die.  It happened, whether you believe it is part of God's plan or not, there is nothing that you can do now to change that fact.  Change is happening to you.

I am personally just now coming to grip with the fact that things have changed and my life will never be the same.  God blessed me with nine wonderful years with Will, that will never change.  I miss him everyday. The life I once knew is a collection of wonderful memories but it is time to embrace the future.   Change is scary.   Change takes you out of your personal comfort zone and forces you to adapt or flee.

How much did the last revision of Facebook drive you crazy?  I know that was just a small change in someone's life but I heard plenty of complaints.  Once you realized that Facebook had changed and you were stuck with it, you began to explore.  There were some changes with the new version that you liked and there were some that just didn't make sense at all.   It is not a great example but the same can be applied to a grieving person's life.

Once you have learned to accept the changes in your life, you will begin to find some things that make you smile again and there will be things that just don't make sense any more.   There maybe very few things you find that make you smile at first.  Celebrate each and every one of them.  Make note of things that don't make you happy and avoid them when you can.  Do not let those things that make you unhappy chase you away from what it is important.  What is important is finding a balance in your life that allows you to move forward, one day at a time.  

Breathe deep, you can do it.

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.” -Mary Anne Radmacher

Heaven is for Real

Heaven is for Real

- from anovelmenagerie.com

After a minister’s son undergoes emergency appendectomy and nearly loses his life, Colton Burpo begins to reveal to his parents the tale of his visit to heaven while in the hospital.  At the young age of 4 years old, he begins to describe to his parents events of his out of his body experience.  For example, he tells them what he witnessed them doing in another section of the hospital while he was in surgery.   He then begins to share with him the glory of heaven and all that had witnessed, including meeting his great-grandfather and unborn sister.  Colton describes in great detail how angels appeared, what Jesus looked like, and the glorious beauty of heaven.

As Colton shares the details of his visit, these provided facts to his father mirror the words which are stated in the Bible.  At his young age, he had not yet read or heard about such things.  Some of the sweeter points of the book were how Colton described..... (read the rest of the review here)

This is a great resource for anyone looking for hope. It was very reaffirming after reading the book, Heaven, by Randy Alcorn.  There is also a Heaven is for Real for Kids that is also very good and includes more info from Colton that was not included in the original book.

SMILE!

SMILE!

It is OK to smile.

It may not be a cure but it sure feels good!

If you are grieving, give yourself permission to smile.

Will's smile continues to brighten my life and seeing it brings a smile to my face.

So many happy memories.

Video: Memorializing your Child

Video: Memorializing your Child

from David Kessler

Be sure to check out the link for many great video resources from Kessler.

Dealing with grief is a lot like learning to ride a bike

Dealing with grief is a lot like learning to ride a bike

Do you remember that moment when you or one of your kids took off their training wheels for the first time? How wobbly was it? It actually felt a little scary at first. It is, after all, the first time that you are having to rely on your own balance to hold you up.  There are a lot of things that act as our training wheels while we are first learning to deal with our grief:  denial, anger, our friends and family and of course medication.

It feels little wobbly and disorienting when you begin to face the challenges of every day life without the training wheels..   What was once an easy task, now requires concentration and patience.   Sometimes it may seem very hard to look ahead while trying to maintain your balance and keep your feet on the pedals.   One of the easiest things to do once you have gained your balance on the bike it to coast.  Coasting does not require any work on your part for forward momentum.  But coasting will only get you so far.

Once you have gained your balance with your grief it can be very easy to coast along.  It feels good to be able to go through the motions of life.   It really does feel good to be upright and doing something.  At some point things begin to level off and your momentum slows.  Your first initial push-off into the world has taken you pretty far.  

Here is where it gets tricky, you have to do something to keep me moving or you are about to come to a dead stop.  It gets a little wobbly again.  You need to look down to get your feet on the pedals.  The pedals are already moving making it even trickier to gain control.  You pump your legs with the rhythm of the pedals and you give it a shot.

Here is where that first moment of being in control of your bike happens; your feet are moving, you have your balance and have begun to move forward under your own control.  Do you remember that feeling of exhilaration?  Looking back on it, learning to ride a bike seems like such a small thing in life.  How many times did you fall down before you finally got it?  It didn't matter once you had it figured out.

My life is the bike.  Sometimes I have trouble riding it like I used to but more often I get that feeling of exhilaration when things fall into place.  If you are grieving, recognize those moments and acknowledge your forward momentum.  Just like when learning to ride a bike, you do need to be prepared to fall every once in a while.  There if no "grief helmet" to wear but I believe being honest with yourself and acknowledging there will be falls will help shorten the recovery period between falls.

I hope this made sense.  I am not a writer and a lot of time my feelings and ideas for epxressing them in words aren't always as I would like.    The photos of Will learning to ride the bike brought back such great memories.  We would take him to a small Church in the area on weeknights and let him practice on their parking lot.  Memories like that are what help to keep my feet on the pedals.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!


2012 is now.  They are no longer "New Year's Resolutions", they are now "this year resolutions".  Whatever it is that you have set out to do this year, make it happen.   Set your goals high and hold yourself accountable.   Do not look for wiggle room, write down your goals for 2012 daily to constantly remind yourself.

I truly hope that your goals come to fruition this year.

Ecclesiastes 3 (NIV)

A Time for Everything 

1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

9 What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. 13 That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God.

God is good.

Be sure to check out biblegateway.com and sign up for one of their e-mail programs to start 2012.

Thank you for reading.

Have a great time with your friends and family.