From Psalm 112

From Psalm 112

He will not be afraid of bad news. His heart is strong because he trusts in the Lord. - Psalm 112:7 (NLV)

The news of Will's death delivered a blow to my psyche that I was not prepared for. I can not personally imagine what my life would be like without the faith that Jesus, God's only son, was born to die for my sins. It doesn't always make it easier to get through the tough days but I know that in the not so distant future Will and I will be reunited.

What to say to someone who has lost a loved one

What to say to someone who has lost a loved one

- from  the American Cancer Society

It is common to feel awkward when trying to comfort someone who is grieving. Many people do not know what to say or do. The following are suggestions to use as a guide.

Acknowledge the situation. Example: "I heard that your_____ died." Use the word "died" That will show that you are more open to talk about how the person really feels.

Express your concern. Example: "I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you."

Be genuine in your communication and don't hide your feelings. Example: "I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care."

Offer your support. Example: "Tell me what I can do for you."

Ask how he or she feels, and don't assume you know how the bereaved person feels on any given day.

Always

Always

Comments to avoid when comforting someone that is grieving

Comments to avoid when comforting someone that is grieving

"I know how you feel." 

One can never know how another may feel. You could, instead, ask your friend to tell you how he or she feels.

"It's part of God's plan." 

This phrase can make people angry and they often respond with, "What plan? Nobody told me about any plan."

"Look at what you have to be thankful for." 

They know they have things to be thankful for, but right now they are not important.

"He's in a better place now." 

The bereaved may or may not believe this. Keep your beliefs to yourself unless asked.

"This is behind you now; it's time to get on with your life." 

Sometimes the bereaved are resistant to getting on with because they feel this means "forgetting" their loved one. In addition, moving on is easier said than done. Grief has a mind of its own and works at its own pace.

Statements that begin with "You should" or "You will." 

These statements are too directive. Instead you could begin your comments with: "Have you thought about. . ." or "You might. . ."

Source: American Hospice Foundation

You are allowed

You are allowed

There are times when you just want to crawl back in bed and cry.

You are allowed.

Today I spent some time in Will's room doing nothing but crying.

Therapy comes in many forms.

The Roller Coaster of Grief

The Roller Coaster of Grief

Instead of a series of stages, we might also think of the grieving process as a roller coaster, full of ups and downs, highs and lows. Like many roller coasters, the ride tends to be rougher in the beginning, the lows may be deeper and longer. The difficult periods should become less intense and shorter as time goes by, but it takes time to work through a loss. Even years after a loss, especially at special events such as a family wedding or the birth of a child, we may still experience a strong sense of grief.

Source- Hospice Foundation of America

Myths and Facts About Grief

Myths and Facts About Grief

MYTH: The pain will go away faster if you ignore it.

Fact: Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse in the long run. For real healing it is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it.

MYTH: It’s important to be “be strong” in the face of loss.

Fact: Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss. Crying doesn’t mean you are weak. You don’t need to “protect” your family or friends by putting on a brave front. Showing your true feelings can help them and you.

MYTH: If you don’t cry, it means you aren’t sorry about the loss.

Fact: Crying is a normal response to sadness, but it’s not the only one. Those who don’t cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others. They may simply have other ways of showing it.

MYTH: Grief should last about a year.

Fact: There is no right or wrong time frame for grieving. How long it takes can differ from person to person.

Source: Center for Grief and Healing

Christmas day at Will's grave

Christmas day at Will's grave

It felt good to spend some solitary time at Will's grave on Christmas day.   He loved Christmas so much.  It wasn't just the presents, it was the time that we always spend together as a family that made it Christmas to Will.

I am feeling a slight case of "Holiday Hangover".    There is only so much a grieving person can handle and it feels good to be able to see Christmas 2011 in the rear-view mirror.  

Thanks to everyone that checked in on me.   It was much appreciated.  

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas

The Christmas story as told in the Bible.  I am using the "Easy to Read Version" of the bible today. Be sure to check out biblegateway.com today and read the story from several different versions.  

- from Luke 2 (ERV)

The Birth of Jesus Christ 

1 It was about that same time that Augustus Caesar sent out an order to all people in the countries that were under Roman rule. The order said that everyone’s name must be put on a list. 2 This was the first counting of all the people while Quirinius was governor of Syria. 3 Everyone traveled to their own hometowns to have their name put on the list.

4 So Joseph left Nazareth, a town in Galilee, and went to the town of Bethlehem in Judea. It was known as the town of David. Joseph went there because he was from the family of David. 5 Joseph registered with Mary because she was engaged to marry him. (She was now pregnant.) 6 While Joseph and Mary were in Bethlehem, the time came for her to have the baby. 7 She gave birth to her first son. She wrapped him up well and laid him in a box where cattle are fed. She put him there because the guest room was full.

Some Shepherds Hear About Jesus 

8 That night, some shepherds were out in the fields near Bethlehem watching their sheep. 9 An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord was shining around them. The shepherds were very afraid. 10 The angel said to them, “Don’t be afraid. I have some very good news for you—news that will make everyone happy. 11 Today your Savior was born in David’s town. He is the Messiah, the Lord. 12 This is how you will know him: You will find a baby wrapped in pieces of cloth and lying in a feeding box.”

13 Then a huge army of angels from heaven joined the first angel, and they were all praising God, saying,

14 “Praise God in heaven,
and on earth let there be peace to the people who please him.”

15 The angels left the shepherds and went back to heaven. The shepherds said to each other, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this great event the Lord has told us about.”

16 So they went running and found Mary and Joseph. And there was the baby, lying in the feeding box. 17 When they saw the baby, they told what the angels said about this child. 18 Everyone was surprised when they heard what the shepherds told them. 19 Mary continued to think about these things, trying to understand them. 20 The shepherds went back to their sheep, praising God and thanking him for everything they had seen and heard. It was just as the angel had told them.

Please share the story with someone you love today.

Merry Christmas-

Mark

I Have Calmed and Quieted My Soul

I Have Calmed and Quieted My Soul

It is Christmas eve and my mind is in overdrive.  Sometimes it is just really hard to turn off the switch and not think of the would haves, could haves and should haves of my life with Will.  I am very thankful for the nine years that he brightened my life.   These are times that are meant to be spent with your family.  Unfortunately Will's death fractured my family deeply and I struggle with that loss as much as I struggle with the actual loss of my son.  

It was a struggle to go the cemetery this morning.   There was a part of me that had to be there and another part of me was screaming to do anything but make that drive.   Honestly, it had rained pretty hard in the past 24 hours and there was no way I was not going up there to check on his Christmas tree.  I had to get gas before heading to the cemetery and tried to talk myself out of going while at the pump.   I tried listening to Christmas music on the way but couldn't handle it.

Will's grave is the most festive in the entire cemetery, you can see it from the road.   Everything looked like it was still intact as I pulled up.  It is always a bittersweet joy to find new ornaments on Will's Christmas tree and there were several new ones today.  The tree looks great.   Will would definitely be impressed.  He loved Christmas trees and always had one in his room full of ornaments of all kinds.   

I spent a few minutes at his grave before picking up my bible.   Today I just let the bible open itself up to whatever it needed to tell.  This is what I read-

PSALM 131 (ESV)

I Have Calmed and Quieted My Soul

A Song of Ascents. Of David.

O LORD, my heart is not lifted up;
my eyes are not raised too high;
I do not occupy myself with things
too great and too marvelous for me.
But I have calmed and quieted my soul,
like a weaned child with its mother;
like a weaned child is my soul within me.

O Israel, hope in the LORD
from this time forth and forevermore.

On today of all days I was reading scripture on humility?  Or were the things I have been occupying myself with truly too great and too marvelous for me to understand? Just thinking about the possibilities of being able to better understand this small Psalm and myself gave me some hope for the day.

I drive away from Will's grave and truly felt like I had calmed and quieted my soul.

Coping with Holiday Grief

Coping with Holiday Grief

- from suttervnaandhospice.org

At holiday time, many people are dealing with loss and are often caught in a dilemma between the need to grieve and the pressure to get into the spirit of the season. Holidays or not, it is important for the bereaved to find ways to take care of themselves. The following guidelines may be helpful:

1. Plan ahead as to where and how you will spend your time during the holidays. Let yourself scale back on activities if you want to. Redefine your holiday expectations. This can be a transition year to begin new traditions and let others go.

2. Select a candle in your loved one's favorite color and scent. Place it in a special area of your home and light it at a significant time throughout the holidays, signifying the light of the love that lives on in your heart.

3. Give yourself permission to express your feelings. If you feel an urge to cry, let the tears flow. Tears are healing. Scientists have found that certain brain chemicals in our tears are natural pain relievers.

4. Shakespeare once said, “Give sorrow words…” Write an “un-sent letter” to your loved one. expressing what you are honestly feeling toward him or her at this moment. After you compose the letter, you may decide to place it in a book, album or drawer in your home, leave it at a memorial site, throw it away, or even burn it and let the ashes rise symbolically.

5. When you are especially missing your loved one, call family members or dear friends and share your feelings. If they knew him or her, consider asking them to share some memories of times they shared with your loved one.

6. If you live within driving distance of the cemetery, decorate the memorial site with a holiday theme. This could include flowers, garlands, ribbons, bows, evergreen-branches, packages, pinecones or a miniature Christmas tree. Decorating the site yourself can be helpful in remembering and celebrating your loved one's life during the holidays, and may free you to cherish the present holiday with your remaining family.

7. Play music that is comforting and meaningful to you. Take a few moments to close your eyes and feel the music within the center of your being.

8. Give money you would have spent for gifts for your absent loved one to a charity in your family member's name. Consider donating money to the public library to buy a particular book. Have the book dedicated to your loved one's memory. Buy a present for a child who would not otherwise have a gift during the holiday season.

9. Read a book or article on grief. Some suggestions are: Don't Take My Grief Away From Me by Doug Manning; The Comfort Book For Those Who Mourn compiled by Anna Trimiew; and A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis.

10. Remember the reality that the anticipation of the holidays without your family member is often harder than the actual holidays themselves.

Adapted from “Ten Ways to Cope with Holiday Grief” By L. B. Schultz, Carmel, Indiana.

The Memory Box

The Memory Box

sesamestreet.org is a good resource for any family experiencing grief.

My memory box is a bedroom still exactly as Will left it.  His bed is stacked up with things people have given us since his death but essentially it is the same, messy and full of his stuff.   

The Survival Kit for Everyday Living

The Survival Kit for Everyday Living

This is not specific to dealing with grief but I am sure it could be of benefit to everyone. I did not come up with this kit, it can be found all over the internet.

The kit-

Toothpick
Rubber Band
Band Aid
Pencil
Eraser
Chewing Gum
Mint
Candy Kiss
Tea Bag

The toothpick is to remind yo to pick out the good qualities in others.

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. Matthew 7:1 (NIV)

The rubber band is to remind you to be flexible, things might not always go the way you want, but it will work out.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, whohave been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 (NIV)

The band aid is to remind to heal hurt feelings, yours or someone else's.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3:12-14 (NIV)

The pencil is to remind you to list your blessings everyday.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. Ephesians 1:3 (NIV)

The eraser is to remind you that everyone makes mistakes and it's ok.

When Joseph’s brothers saw that their father was dead, they said, “What if Joseph holds a grudge against us and pays us back for all the wrongs we did to him?” So they sent word to Joseph, saying, “Your father left these instructions before he died: ‘This is what you are to say to Joseph: I ask you to forgive your brothers the sins and the wrongs they committed in treating you so badly.’ Now please forgive the sins of the servants of the God of your father.” When their message came to him, Joseph wept.

His brothers then came and threw themselves down before him. “We are your slaves,” they said.

But Joseph said to them, “Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. So then, don’t be afraid. I will provide for you and your children.” And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them. (Genesis 50:15-21 NIV)

The chewing gum is to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything.

I can do all this through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13 (NIV)

The mint is to remind you that you are worth a mint!

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. John 3:16-17 (NIV)

The candy kiss is to remind you that everyone, including yourself, needs a kiss or a hug everyday.

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 1 John 4:7 (NIV)

The tea bag is to remind you to relax daily and go over that list of blessings.

give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessolonians 5:18 (NIV)

My Apologies to the Author

My Apologies to the Author


A public apology to Susan Phoenix for using the title of her book, Out of the Shadows: A Journey Back from Grief, as the name of this blog.   Thanks to person that made me aware of the book.  Until it was brought up, I had never previously heard of the book or the author.   I now plan on ordering a copy and reading it.

The Bakugan: A True Story

The Bakugan: A True Story


I am not sure that Will even knew that his Bakugan toys and the game itself were actually based on a Japanese anime action series. He didn't care.  The toys were cool and he loved anything that, as he used to say, "morphed" into something else.  Like many he things, he began collecting Bakugan as soon as they became popular and almost impossible to find.   We had to turn to a friend in Texas to send us some that she had found there so that Will would have some for Christmas in 2009.

If you have never seen them in person, the toys start off as small spheres.

When placed on a special (magnetic) card, the sphere opens up, "morphing", into a Battle Brawler character. 

I found this Bakugan while cleaning the house several days ago.  At first it seemed strange that this toy was in a spot that had been cleaned many times since Will died.  But there it was, a tiny little black and purple sphere looking very much like I felt at that time.  The holidays make me feel coiled up and reclusive.  I am not myself at times, the feeling of pressure leading up to Christmas is often overwhelming for me.

I laughed and then cried when I first found the Bakugan. I remembered that this specific version of the toy was very special to Will.  Purple and black Bakugans must have been unique or this specific one was special because of the powers that came with it in the game that Will played with them.   For whatever reason, I remember he always kept this one as part of the elite group in his collection.

It was as if he was just in the room and had left it on the floor after playing with it.  I was determined to get it open and see the entire toy.  It seemed impossible to open without the special card.  At the time I had forgot that the card was magnetic.  After 30 minutes of attempting to open the Bakugan, I gave up and put it on my desk.  I let that little toy really get me worked up.

The next morning I walked into my office and was startled to see the Bakugan fully open and in Battle Brawler mode.  It felt like Will had been there and opened it up for me while I had been sleeping.  That was an amazing feeling.  The Bakugan had "morphed" into it's Battle Brawler character and looked like it was ready to take on anything that crossed its path. (I sure wish I knew the character/model of this specific Bakugan)

I "morphed" a little myself that morning.   I uncoiled a little from the pressure of the holidays and was able to smile instead of crying.  I embraced the feeling that Will had been there, letting me know that he was still looking after me.   I don't miss him any less but I have begun to accept that he won't be opening Christmas presents again.  This year was different, Will gave me two gifts. A little purple and black toy and the feeling I got from seeing it in it's "morphed" state, both of which I will cherish forever.

I Remember

I Remember

I remember the sound of your voice.

So long now since I have heard it.

I remember your contagious laughter.

Tears fall at the thought of never again hearing your giggle.

I remember your amazing smile.

Your mouth was finally growing into your teeth.

I remember your beautiful eyes.

They were a reflection of your sweet soul.

I remember those incredible moments of togetherness.

Without you I struggle just to keep it together.

I remember the warmth of the sun.

The shadows are a lonely place.

(2011 Mark Grason)

Moving forward is not moving on

Moving forward is not moving on

Do not feel guilty for cracking a smile.

Do not feel guilty for laughing.

It may not always feel right to smile or laugh again after losing someone close to you. It feels totally natural to feel that way. The first few times I inched away from the shadows and actually laughed I felt horrible. What would Will think? I made myself physically sick thinking about it. It wasn't hardly more than a giggle but I felt so guilty for it.

Did you ever share laugh with your lost one? Does it make you smile to think about that memory. (I caught you, you were smiling)

One of my first lessons after Will died was to cut myself some slack. It became clearer the more I thought what Will would think. Will would have wanted me to smile and laugh. His life was all about smiling and laughing. I like to think that Will smiles and laughs with me as I smile and laugh.

Do not feel guilty for living.

This post is dedicated to the person that told me today on the phone that moving forward does not mean moving on. Moving on is letting go. Moving forward is embracing the memories and never letting go.

The Seven Stages of Grief

The Seven Stages of Grief

Do you know that grieving is a process?

- from recover-from-grief.com

Seven Stages of Grief

A grieving person passes through seven stages. They may occur in any order, and some stages may occur simultaneously.

They are: 

1) Shock and Denial, an attempt to avoid pain by denying the loss; 

2) Pain and Guilt, a period of devastating pain and feelings that life is chaotic; 

3) Anger and Bargaining, including emotional outbursts that can permanently damage relationships and attempts to bargain with a higher power for relief from the emotional pain; 

4) Depression and Loneliness, or a period of reflection during which the person realizes the full impact of the loss; 

5) Upward turn, when the person begins to adjust to the loss; 

6) Reconstruction of life without the loved one; 

7) Acceptance and Hope. Acceptance does not imply happiness. Instead, the grieving person can now reminisce about the loved one without breaking down or feeling overwhelmingly sad.

Remember everyone is different.  We are all dummies when it comes to grieving.  The process may last for weeks, months or years depending on the person.  There is no wrong way to grieve.   At this time I believe I am in step 5 with some flirtations with steps 3 & 4.    Where are you?  Knowing where you are at and what to expect can be helpful.

Heaven by Randy Alcorn

Heaven by Randy Alcorn

I can not tell you the number of books that people have either given me or suggested that I read since Will died.  There were definitely some books that helped but a lot of them made me retreat even further into the shadows.  Randy Alcorn's book, Heaven, hit home with me.  I needed to know what Will's eternal life was like.  Alcorn uses scripture to introduce a Heaven that most Christians never even imagined.

Alcorn's has also produced a book, Heaven for Kids, that would be a great resource for children that have suffered a loss.

Will's Gift

Will's Gift

Will left me a gift when he died that I will cherish forever.

Will left me with the knowledge that he had accepted the Lord as his savior and believed with all his heart that Jesus Christ died on the cross for his sins.

I believe that without that knowledge, the shadows in my life would be much darker and my life since his passing would be much more unhappy.

It is a blessing to know Will is in Heaven watching over us, waiting for the day that we can be reunited.

At some point in the future I will dedicate an entire post to the day that Will gave his life to Jesus.

WILLpower is Phillipians 4:13

I can do all things through Christ which strengthen me.

What should the first post say?

What should the first post say?

After over 18 months, I knew it was time to start sharing Will's story in a different context. The real question was: how do I get started? I am not a writer. What should the first post say?

If you have ever lost someone you love, you have probably felt the shadows.  The shadows are the grief that permeates your life after a loss.  If you let them, the shadows will fill every crevice of your life.  The shadows will block out all the sunshine and happiness, leaving you exhausted and unable to feel positive about anything.

On May 6th, 2010 my life became filled with the shadows.   That was the day that my son, Will, drown in a tragic accident.   Will was nine years old and as full of life as any child his age could possibly be.  Will loved life and treated each day as an adventure.   His love of life was contagious and people still talk about his smile.

This blog will tell the story of Will from his father's perspective.  It is meant to be positive and a resource for those looking for sunlight in their own lives.  There is no way to tell the story of a loss without becoming emotional at times.  The emotions conveyed in my posts may seem raw and unedited. Guess what? They are. They are real emotions. There is no instruction manual given to you when someone dies.   I have tried to use Will's life as my compass, when I have a tough decision to make I ask myself, "What would Will have expected me to do?".

Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted. (Matt 5:4)

Thank you for reading.