I Have Calmed and Quieted My Soul

I Have Calmed and Quieted My Soul

It is Christmas eve and my mind is in overdrive.  Sometimes it is just really hard to turn off the switch and not think of the would haves, could haves and should haves of my life with Will.  I am very thankful for the nine years that he brightened my life.   These are times that are meant to be spent with your family.  Unfortunately Will's death fractured my family deeply and I struggle with that loss as much as I struggle with the actual loss of my son.  

It was a struggle to go the cemetery this morning.   There was a part of me that had to be there and another part of me was screaming to do anything but make that drive.   Honestly, it had rained pretty hard in the past 24 hours and there was no way I was not going up there to check on his Christmas tree.  I had to get gas before heading to the cemetery and tried to talk myself out of going while at the pump.   I tried listening to Christmas music on the way but couldn't handle it.

Will's grave is the most festive in the entire cemetery, you can see it from the road.   Everything looked like it was still intact as I pulled up.  It is always a bittersweet joy to find new ornaments on Will's Christmas tree and there were several new ones today.  The tree looks great.   Will would definitely be impressed.  He loved Christmas trees and always had one in his room full of ornaments of all kinds.   

I spent a few minutes at his grave before picking up my bible.   Today I just let the bible open itself up to whatever it needed to tell.  This is what I read-

PSALM 131 (ESV)

I Have Calmed and Quieted My Soul

A Song of Ascents. Of David.

O LORD, my heart is not lifted up;
my eyes are not raised too high;
I do not occupy myself with things
too great and too marvelous for me.
But I have calmed and quieted my soul,
like a weaned child with its mother;
like a weaned child is my soul within me.

O Israel, hope in the LORD
from this time forth and forevermore.

On today of all days I was reading scripture on humility?  Or were the things I have been occupying myself with truly too great and too marvelous for me to understand? Just thinking about the possibilities of being able to better understand this small Psalm and myself gave me some hope for the day.

I drive away from Will's grave and truly felt like I had calmed and quieted my soul.