Grief is born of Love

Grief is born of Love

My heart is filled with Love

My heart is filled with Love

Will won!

Will won!

I will never forget the excitement in Will's voice when he told me about winning the costume contest at Jump for Joeys.  The prize was a Jump for Joeys annual pass, one of his favorite places on the planet! He had entered lots of costume contests in his life but this was the first time that he won first prize and was beaming.  It was such a thrill to see him get that excited.  

Will wore his annual pass out!  He must have gone twice a week on average and would have gone more often if he could have arranged it. 

It turned out to be the last costume contest he ever entered.  I am so blessed to have such great memories.

Awesome quote from Helen Keller

Awesome quote from Helen Keller

Someone is Missing

Someone is Missing

The Grievers Prayer

The Grievers Prayer

Two steps forward, three steps back; Three steps forward, two steps back;

Some times it feels like I am always starting over. Again.

Wearing a mask

Wearing a mask

One of the easiest coping mechanisms for me after Will's death was to slip on my "I'm OK" mask. It was much easier to act happy than it was to constantly feel sad.   In time even I began to believe I was ok.  It felt like the right thing to do. 

How wrong I was.    

I was not, and am not, OK.

It has taken a long time to admit that to myself.

I let myself cry now without scolding myself.  It never feels good to cry but I realize now that felt even worse to let it build and pretend it wasn't there.

Laugh

Laugh

Laugh as often as you can.

Want to make someone's day?  Make them laugh.

Depression is a silent killer.

Depression is a silent killer.

The last few days have been excruciating.

My Mother just spent several days under suicide watch in the psych ward of hospital.  She has gone through hell in her life and has been struggling with Will's death since it happen.   

Depression is a silent killer.  It attacks you at your most vulnerable moments and confuses logic.  

I was able to spend some time with her and she is really doing well.  She knows that she has a long way to go but just hearing her say that assures me that she is on the right track.

Please do not let it happen to you.  Familiarize yourself with the symptoms of depression.

Check out this great link on WebMD for more.

Everything can change in the blink of an eye

Everything can change in the blink of an eye

Never

Never

If my heart had wings....

If my heart had wings....

Life is an Echo

Life is an Echo

A fitting Charles Stanley quote

A fitting Charles Stanley quote

“We can be tired, weary and emotionally distraught, but after spending time alone with God, we find that He injects into our bodies energy, power and strength.”  Charles Stanley

So very, very true

So very, very true

The Grieving Parent as the Obstinate Alcoholic

The Grieving Parent as the Obstinate Alcoholic

I wish I could express my feelings like this---> Please read

This is perfect!

This is perfect!

God has your back

God has your back

:-)

:-)

There are times I just want to scream when someone asks if I am ok.

I know they mean well so I resist the temptation and smile.

Healing takes time.

I don't want to waste that time by being sad or going back over why I might be sad.

My son lived a fun, smile filled life in his nine years and that is what I aspire to.

I want people to ask "Why are you so happy?"

I love you Will!

There is a special place

There is a special place

There are places that I still can't go because of the memories associated.

I can't go to Chuck E Cheese.

I can't go swimming in a pool.

Can't is probably not the right word.

I won't go because of the way they make me feel.

Why are some places more emotional than others?

There are other places that I can't wait to get back to because of the memories.

A window to my past

A window to my past

This is a photo of Will and his two cousins looking down at me from the window of a hotel.

Sometimes I see some photos and I have a hard time even placing myself in them.

Wishing some people would realize this

Wishing some people would realize this

Don't Give Up

Don't Give Up

It is easy to say but harder to do it.  I know as well as anyone.

There are days that I never feel like giving up.

Then there are the days that you fight the urge to give up all day long.

Don't give in.

Don't give up.

Tomorrow just could be the day you don't feel like giving up..

A moment of time......

A moment of time......

A perplexing question

A perplexing question

There are people out there that start a conversation with me just to some how get around to talking about how much they miss their parents, grandparents or other loved one.  I understand having a connection to someone else that has lost a child or someone that I might have known personally but this is different;  these people make a point of making death a part of every single conversation.  They never start out on the subject but it never fails to come up every single time I speak them.  

Why?

I try show empathy when called for but this feels like emotional manipulation and I need to do a better job of recognizing it.   A grieving person is obviously vulnerable and easily manipulated but sometimes also completely blind to the manipulation until they recognize it for the first time.

My hole

My hole

What a crazy kid

What a crazy kid

I love finding random notes in Will's handwriting.

Set A Fire

Set A Fire by Will Reagan & United Pursuit

We took Will to his first music festival when he was only a month old. Over his short life he saw lots of music at dozens of festivals. He loved the freedom of camping out, cooking out, he loved the music but most of all he seemed to just love all the different people he would meet.

In the fall of 2008 at a small festival in LaFayette, GA Will told me that he had a clear definition of who he was as a person. At that moment I had no idea what he was talking about. He had a very serious look and told me that he was a "Chrippie". I could tell by the look on his face that the look on my face had him frustrated.

Will told me that he was a Christian Hippie. He told me "he loved everyone like the hippies do and it was just like Jesus loving everyone".

At the time I just laughed and he went back to playing with his friends.

For some reason this song makes me think of Will and that moment. It is the theme song for 2013 at my Church and has really meant a lot to me in recent weeks.

What happened will never change, what happens next is what matters

What happened will never change, what happens next is what matters

Do not let your yesterdays define your tomorrows!

A reason to keep pushing on...........

A reason to keep pushing on...........

Another very true statement

Another very true statement

I can still barely listen to Bon Jovi.

WOW!

WOW!

Some of these are my exact thoughts at times.............

A good reminder

A good reminder

What are you scared of?

What are you scared of?

I am scared that I will never feel "normal" again.   

Trying very hard to be patient.

You can not rush through your Grief!

Wrestling with Grief

Wrestling with Grief

Grief is my opponent.

We have an long standing rivalry.

Sometimes I get the pinfall.

Other times I fight and fight but still find my shoulders on the mat.

But I will never tap out or submit to my opponent.

I love you Will!

Hope whispers.....

Hope whispers.....

Every new day presents a new lesson to learn.

Sometimes those "new" lessons are simply "old" lessons you should have learned the first time.

I have been totally oblivious to the lessons most of the time.

Learning from your mistakes is much more painful.

Amen

Amen

Love you from Heaven

Love you from Heaven

An Eternal Memory

An Eternal Memory

Memorial Day 2013

Memorial Day 2013

I wasn't able to post anything on Memorial Day but wanted to share my thoughts.

Our freedom and those that gave their lives for it should be celebrated ever single day of the year.

I was able to spend some time recently with a WWII vet and it was so special.

Thank you for your faith in a country and a willingness to die for our freedom.

Grief made me feel like time stood still....

Grief made me feel like time stood still....

School is out, life goes on......

School is out, life goes on......

I can not begin to describe the feeling I get each year near the end of May.   It used to be the time of excitement.  The end of the school year meant it was time to enjoy our family time and plan our next summer adventure.   Those are great memories.  Honestly, they are great, bittersweet, memories of a life that once was.  It is such a sad time of year for me.

Life is so unbelievably short.  I look back and now realize that I took so much of those family moments for granted. Never, ever, did I think they would come to a crashing end.   You just don't plan for that kind of thing to happen.  You can't plan for tragedy.

I realize that I am blessed with a lot of great memories.   If given the opportunity I would trade all the memories in for just one more sunny, summer afternoon with Will and my family.  But I know that is not a real option.  God's plan is greater than that.

Enjoy your summer!  Hug your kids every chance you get.

I thought this was perfect for today

I thought this was perfect for today

A prayer for the Grieving

A prayer for the Grieving

Lord,

I am crying out to you.

Lord, my emotions are screaming at me.

Lord, I feel alone.

Sadness surrounds me, and depression is pulling me down.

I long for what I have lost. I ache.

My loss permeates my mind and my emotions. My grief aggressively tries to influence the course of most of my waking moments.

Father, help me process my loss. Help me move forward. Help me to welcome joy into those places of pain.

Lord, I need to draw nearer to you. You are my hope and my salvation through this dark valley.

I pray in Jesus' name,

Amen

Take lots of photos!

Take lots of photos!

I take great comfort in the hundreds upon hundreds of photos that we took.   We documented a great portion of Will's life and ours as a family in the photos.   Everyone has a phone with a camera now so there is no reason to miss your opportunity to document a special occasion, a day at the park or just a bunch of goofy poses as a family.  Life passes by way to quickly.  

Love that never ends....

Love that never ends....

Three years and I still miss his hugs.

It truly is a love that never ends.

Not again!

Not again!

This look was in response to asking him to smile for the camera.  At one point he hated his crooked teeth.  As he got older he grew into them and was just about to get braces when he passed away.   

So glad we took a lot of photos!

Will lives on

Will lives on

Team WILLpower recently got together for our annual Special Olympics of Haralson County benefit show.  It is one of my favorite shows to do all year.  

I know that there is no way this would have happened had Will still been alive.  

He continues to pay it forward.