Grief: The Emotional Roller Coaster

Grief: The Emotional Roller Coaster

I wish I could live in yesterday....

I wish I could live in yesterday....

Heaven must be beautiful

Heaven must be beautiful

My tag team partner

My tag team partner

We celebrated Brandon McMclure's 30th birthday last week.  It is such an honor to be a small part of Brandon's life.  He is truly an extraordinary young man and an inspiration to so many.  But it is more than that for me, I am closest to Will when I am around Brandon.  It is hard to explain in simple words but without Will's placement of Brandon in my life I would not be the person I am today.

This year I gave Brandon one of Will's cherished title belts, the WWE Tag Team Championship, for his gift. We have worked closely on all of the Team WILLpower special olympics events and he has been a great partner for almost four years.   The 2015 event is already in the planning stage and will be bigger and better than last years event.  Will had dreams of Brandon of Brandon's success in professional wrestling.  It is all coming true.

But how do you top Brandon standing in the ring?

I am not sure Will ever envisioned that coming about but there is a story that needs to be told.

'tis the season

'tis the season

When you need space, get it!

Day by Day Process

Day by Day Process

You are alive

You are alive

I still miss you

I still miss you

Follow your own path

Follow your own path

Will's last visit with Santa!

Will's last visit with Santa!

Most of us have, when it comes to our loved ones, a large emotional treasure chest that's full of fond memories. And as we come to the holidays, the holidays can be a trigger that's reminding us of those positive and fond memories that create a bittersweetness. And it's not a bittersweetness to be avoided. The way I think of it is, we smile with a tear in our eyes.

- Ramon Presson

The emotional rollercoaster

The emotional rollercoaster

I see what grief does....

I see what grief does...

Worldwide Candle Lighting in memory of all children gone too soon

Worldwide Candle Lighting in memory of all children gone too soon

Please join us this Sunday, December 14 for the Worldwide Candle Lighting in memory of all children gone too soon.

For full information including services around the globe, visit: https://www.compassionatefriends.org/WCL_Misc/2014_services.aspx.

If there is not a service near you, or you would rather not attend a service, just light a candle for an hour wherever you are with friends, family, or in quiet solitude

Random memories

Random memories

Grief has its own time frame....

Grief has its own time frame....

These are actual quotes that I heard from people that are closest to me this week-

"Why would you be sad? You know Will is in Heaven."

"What do you have to grieve about? It has been over 4 years."

"You should remember the happy times"

"You just need more counseling"

It has been 4 1/2 years since Will passed away and I still grieve.  I do not feel I should have to apologize for it.  Unfortunately it is a part of my life that I have to deal with in my own way.  I am not the same person I was before Will died and I will never be that person again.  I know that and deal with it.  

I don't have nearly as many bad days. Most of my grieving is in very small doses now.  The holidays are naturally tougher than any other time for me and everyone I know that has lost a child.  I celebrate Will every day. Why wouldn't I?  Is it wrong if that celebration leads to a tear or a few moments of sadness once in a while?  I think it is pretty normal.

This was the first year that I celebrated the decorating of Will's grave for Christmas.  There was not a second of sadness during the time it took to clean and decorate Will's grave.  I knew who had already put the little snowman on his grave.  I wanted a snowman on his grave this year and had purchased the solar light spiked one before Thanksgiving.  We were in sync and I could not help but laugh.  I could have never done that last year.  

But there are still moments of sadness.

Would you feel sad if you were setting up the Christmas tree and found hand-made ornaments from your deceased child? Thinking, maybe this will be the year I can put them on the tree and enjoy them again. Then deciding that it was still not the right time. Yes, even after 4 1/2 years, the thought of looking at those ornaments every day made me sad.

What do you do at that moment? Who would you reach out to? Put careful thought into those questions.

Think about who you would reach out to and what their reaction might be.  Sometimes there is not a way to call timeout on your emotions and you will call the wrong people.  Be prepared for their reaction.

Remember your grief is your grief.  It is your personal journey to recovery from whatever it is you are grieving.

Having a bad day

Having a bad day

Words do not begin to describe the loss in one's life when you lose a child. It is a never-ending battle to stay afloat. Buoyed by love but tossed in huge waves of grief. Sometimes you don't feel the pain and then there are days you wake up and it is all you can feel.

I do not have as many bad days as I used to.  Today is the exception.

I try to be the me, the me I was before you died...

I try to be the me, the me I was before you died...

I have wished this so many times....

I have wished this so many times....

Newly discovered videos of Will

Newly discovered videos of Will

I found an old cd with a few videos of Will. WOW.  Talk about a wave of uncertainty. Knowing that if I watch them I will cry. I am tired of crying.  I also know that there are a great memories contained in those videos that weren't lost when Will passed away.  

One of the videos was titles "Will Naked"! How could I resist watching?

OMG I love that kid.  We had just moved from Fort Lauderdale, Fl to Kennesaw, GA so it had to be late Sept 2001.  Will was fresh from the bath and just wanted to run around the apartment naked.

More videos to come.

WILLpower!

Moving forward is a challenge

Moving forward is a challenge

Grief is hard work

Grief is hard work

Keeping busy

Keeping busy

This is so so so very true.

Grieving is like having broken ribs

Grieving is like having broken ribs

This is a great way to describe the feeling.

A good quote from Gail Caldwell

A Blink of an Eye

A Blink of an Eye

So much truth in this statement.

Give it all you got it.

It may your last shot.

I grin and bear it.

I grin and bear it.  

I have missed Will so much lately.

I grin and bear it.

I move on to the next task in my projects.   Blindly staying busy and but feeling like I never really anything.

Constantly shifting the numbness around but never letting it fully surface.

It takes so much energy to dodge the untruth.

The thought of no true closure to Will's death is unbearable at times.

It weighs on me as it must on those responsible for his death.

I am tired.

My faith is strong.

I pray for closure and peace constantly.